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| silence |
| 02.27.04 (3:15 pm) [edit] |
To ensure my safety
I remain silent.
Is it worth the cost
Of losing my voice?
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| Olive |
| 02.26.04 (6:33 am) [edit] |
In the words of my grandmother Olive Ruth:
"I'm tired as two dogs."
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| just another day at work |
| 02.25.04 (12:49 pm) [edit] |
Here are some of the things I find myself saying at work:
What are you doing with that baseball bat?
Have you been smoking crack?
What are you doing in Florida?
Have you had a shower today?
Stalking is a felony now, you know.
The medication doesn't work unless you take it every day.
What's with the raw eggs thrown against the wall?
Why do you have cups of urine in your bedroom?
Did you say you own a gun?
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| co-workers |
| 02.24.04 (12:24 pm) [edit] |
Quote of the day:
"I'm not snorting coke, I swear. It's just a BC powder."
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| gay marriage yet again |
| 02.24.04 (12:07 pm) [edit] |
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In a recent rant against gay marriage, one blogger complained that gay marriage would force him to pay more in taxes and that "what people do is their business but not on my dime". What the hell does that mean? Does this person think that gay people don't pay taxes just like he does? Without equal protection under the law, no less. How long have gay Americans been paying taxes that provide [u]him [/u]with civil liberties? That is infuriating to me, a lesbian here in the South just trying to live her life without being fired from her job, evicted from her home, abandoned by her family, shunned by her community, robbed of the custody of her own children, physically assaulted or worse. And with no legal protection to prevent these things from happening. Ugh!
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| tired |
| 02.19.04 (6:51 am) [edit] |
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As a therapist, I have to say that paying attention to so many people every day is totally emotionally exhausting. I'm tired of listening and responding and encouraging. Maybe I should consider a career change. Or maybe I just need a vacation. In any case, I'm just not in the mood for this today....................
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| emerging |
| 02.18.04 (8:18 am) [edit] |
Surrounding her
The water was cool and dark
Not entirely unpleasant
The gentle motion
Rocked her
Lulled her
Into a sense of security
A sense of safety and peace
Outside noises muffled
Chaos seemed so distant
The solitude was hypnotic
But the longer she stayed
The more aware she became
Of the tightness in her chest
Becoming uncomfortable
She remembered then
That she wasn't breathing
Still she hesitated to leave
What if she stayed?
How would it feel?
To open up and let the water rush in?
To embrace it and own it?
To let it consume her?
She was distracted from these thougts
By something glinting in the distance
She looked up
And saw sunlight
Shimmering on the surface
Bright, hopeful
It seemed to promise something
She was apprehensive
Looking closer
It did seem warm, inviting
But she'd been fooled before
By promises unkept
Expectations unfulfilled
Questions unanswered.
Seconds left to decide
Without thought
She began to swim
Toward the surface
Finally bursting through
To feel the cool air fill her lungs
The sun warm on her face
She looked around her
And laughed
Surprised that she
Had chosen to live
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| Romance |
| 02.16.04 (10:31 am) [edit] |
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Okay, so I'm not much of a romantic. In fact, I guess pragmatic is my middle name. Even speaking as a woman in love, I have to say that I think Valentine's Day is a ridiculous national holiday. I know that all holidays are way too commercialized now; but, Valentine's Day is the worst. The typical gifts given on this day are so cheesy--gold or diamond heart shaped jewelry, kissing teddy bears, anything with lace on it, or heart shaped trinkets. If I were given any of these things, it would be obvious to me how little the giver knew me. I think that if a woman bought me a teddy bear for any holiday, I would leave her immediately. And, please, don't make me eat a candlelight dinner while listening to Maxwell or some other making-sweet-love music. Ugh! Does any woman really like this stuff? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just have a different idea of romance. I love giving and receiving gifts that are practical and useful or are purely for sensual pleasure, like chocolate or massages. Love notes are great if they are sincere not sappy. This year, my grrl took my car to get the oil changed for me, something she knows I procrastinate in doing for myself because of my busy schedule. Thoughtful. Practical. Shows concern for my safety. Now THAT is romantic.
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| melancholy and the infinite sadness |
| 02.11.04 (11:50 am) [edit] |
Looking down
She saw the black fog
Swirling around her ankles
She didn't have to, though
She had known it was there already
She felt it first in her chest
Dark and heavy
Not loud or piercing
Or painful, even
Just sitting there quietly
Like a housecat waiting for attention
But refusing to ask for it
Silently willing her to take notice
To acknowledge it
It creeps in when given the opportunity
It knows when she is vulnerable
Or maybe it never really leaves
Maybe it is just a part of herself
Kept hidden
When it does make it's presence known
It makes things seem foreign
Unreal
Impossible to feel
She has a revelation
Maybe that's why it comes.
To offer some relief
From thinking and feeling
And being too alive
A little death
A temporary respite
Maybe she should embrace it
Maybe she should respect it
After all, maybe she could not go on
Without it
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| awakening |
| 02.10.04 (5:58 pm) [edit] |
"It sometimes entered Mr. Pontellier's mind to wonder if his wife were not growing a little unbalanced mentally. He could see plainly that she was not herself. That is, he could [i]not [/i]see that she was [i]becoming[/i] herself, and daily casting aside that fictitous self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world." Kate Chopin [b]The Awakening[/b]
Why is it that one's awakening, one's most profound period of personal growth and enlightenment, is so often viewed by others as an unravelling, a decomposition?
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| It's all about Zen |
| 02.09.04 (7:00 am) [edit] |
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| The Case for Gay Marriage |
| 02.07.04 (1:35 pm) [edit] |
While much of the country debates the issues around gay marriage, here is a glimpse into how denial of legal rights affects the day to day (real) life of one lesbian couple:
For more than two years, my partner and I have been in an exclusive, committed relationship. We live together, sleep together, pay bills together, raise kids together, and purchase major appliances together. Basically, all the things that married couples do. However, because we are a gay couple, my partner cannot currently be included on my family medical insurance plan at work. Or my family membership at the gym, for that matter. She has to purchase these things seperately for herself, because we are not recognized as "family". I am not able to list my partner as my next of kin or emergency contact person on job applications or other records, because if something happened to me, she would not be able to make any medical decisions for me. In fact, she may not even be allowed to visit me in the hospital. Even though, if something did happen to me, she would be the one sitting home with my kids wondering where the hell I was. If I died, she would not be entitled to my social security benefits, even though she would be the one who would continue to be responsible for paying for the things we have purchased together, such as house, cars, whatever. As a final insult, my life insurance company would not allow me to list her as beneficiary in my policy unless I listed her as my "sister". They said she does not have a "vested interest" in my welfare and/or estate. Even more terrifying is the fact that, when it comes down to it, here in Alabama, I could probably lose custody of my children to their irresponsible, unemployed, drug addicted father if he ever actually wanted them. Even though I am the one who has raised them and cared for them every day since birth, while he has barely even seen them in the last 10 years. Recently, a lesbian mother here did lose custody of her children to their allegedly abusive father. This was decided based solely on her sexual orientation. The hightest court in Alabama says that gay parents are not fit to raise their own children. ( Never underestimate the power of ignorant people in large numbers, especially when they claim to have God on their side.)
So, all this arguing about definitions and rights and discrimination and gender and morals and traditions and family values--what does it [b]really[/b] mean? The Religious Right says it's about principles. But what they are really saying is "You aren't like me, so you can't have what I have". They say "marriage is ours--we started this club and you can't join it". That is fine by me. I don't want to be "married", necessarily, because I don't like the religious implications in that word, anyway. I don't care about being a "wife". We don't have any kind of male/female roles in our relationship. And believe me, I don't want to model my life after the relationships of any heterosexual couples that I know. What I [b]want[/b] is legal rights. We [b]are [/b]a family, and we deserve the same protection under the law that other families have. I don't care what they call it--marriage, civil union, domestic partnership. [i]They[/i] say that gay marriage is somehow a threat to heterosexal marriage. I do not understand this argument. No one says exactly what this means. [i]In [i]what way[/i][/i] is it a threat? Gay marriage would, in fact, [b]increase[/b] the number of couples in a committed marital relationship and the number of children living in married households. Wake up, America, and get over your self-righteous selves.
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| Ugh |
| 02.04.04 (10:16 am) [edit] |
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I know it's Wednesday already, but in terms of stress, it feels like a Monday. I'm sitting here eating a hot dog from the hospital cafeteria next door. Yeah, it's pretty gross, but I'm starving and I'm in a hurry. My list of things to do just keeps getting longer today instead of shorter. Aside form the everyday work stuff, I have in the back of my mind other things I have to get done this week, like 1. fill out my income tax forms (always a joy), 2. get everything ready for my daughter to take the ACT exam on Saturday. That's right, I have a kid in high school, who has now decided to apply for some residential high school for genius kids down south where they live in dorms. Sort of like going to college early. How in the hell did that happen? 3. get my son's prescription filled at the pharmacy (he has ADHD). He turns into the Tasmanian Devil if I let him run out of meds and the whole house is miserable. What else? I know there's more, but I am too tired to concentrate. I have at least four more clients that I have to go see today. One of which is the meanest, most unreasonable person I have ever met. I'm already prepared to be cursed at. Also, my daughter has karate practice tonight. I swear, I think I'm losing it. I am so spaced out. It's like I'm just walking around on Automatic and don't really know what the hell I'm doing. I guess I'm also having some hormonal issues. I stopped taking birth control pills a month or so ago. That was a mistake. I have done this once or twice and always regretted it. I had forgotten how terrible I felt without them, so I started them back again. Maybe I'm adjusting to that or maybe they just aren't in my system yet. I don't know, but I could just bite someone's head off right now. Okay, enough bitching. I gotta hit the road...............You know, I pray to the Goddess that I don't end up being one of those people that the police find wandering naked in the middle of the street babbling like an idiot who has totally checked out and went to live forever in koo-koo land. I feel like that's where I'm headed.
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