Psychophant


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moon phases
 

Listening to your voice
09.29.04 (9:18 am)   [edit]

This was written by Shel Silverstein, my favorite author of children's books.  He's incredible. 


There is a voice inside of you
That wispers all day long
I feel that this is right for me
I know that this is wrong
No preacher, teacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What's right for you
Just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

 
Unfit parent
09.17.04 (5:39 pm)   [edit]

Okay, tell me if I'm the one who is crazy here. I got home from work about 5:15 today.  At about 5:30, my doorbell rang.  When I answered it, a kid walked into my house and waved goodbye to the adult who dropped him off and was already driving away.  I said "Who are you?"  He said, "Brandon".  I see.  Apparently, he goes to school with my son.  They're 10 years old.


He had talked to my son earlier in the day and asked to come over.  My son says he told him he'd have to ask me and call him back.  And then he just showed up.  I don't know what was really said but, in any case, I have never seen or spoken to his mother.  I don't even know his last name.  I don't know where he lives.


I asked the kid if his parents were going to pick him up and when.  He said he didn't know and he could just walk home.  So, a few hours later, I asked him to call his mom to come pick him up.  It was dark by then and I wouldn't let him walk home alone.  He tried to call his mother but no one answered the phone.  I asked him if she had gone somewhere and he said "I doubt it.  My mother can't drive and my dad is at work."  So, I wonder how they thought he was going to get back home?


Needless to say, I offered to drive him.  I asked him to put his shoes on and he said he hadn't worn any.  He was able to give me directions.  It was definitely not within walking distance, especially not for a 10 year old at night.  I pulled up to his house and went to the door to meet his mother.  No one was home.  I swore right then if the kid had to come back home and spend the night at my house, I was going to call DHR and report her.


He said she must be at the neighbor's house down the street and he would walk down there.  There was no way I was going to drop a kid off on a dark street and hope he made it home.  So, I got him back in the car and drove down the street to the neighbor's.  He went in and called for his mother.  She said "What?", obviously irritated.  But she did come out onto the porch.  I introduced myself.  She thanked me for bringing him home, like it had never occured to her that I might. I guess she thought he was going to walk home, too.  I told her he had come over without my permission and maybe she should call next time to check with me before she just dropped him off.  She didn't get it.


As I drove away, I noticed the kid get on his bike and ride off down the street.  The dark street. Oh, well.  I didn't take the kid to raise.  This woman seems completely unconcerned about her son's well being.  I am so amazed by people sometimes.  She has never seen me or talked to me.  She doesn't know my name, phone number, or address.  I could be a crack head or a murderer on parole for all she knows.  What if the kid got hurt or had a seizure or something?  I wouldn't even know who he was to notify anyone.  What if someone on the street pulled over and threw him in their van and she never saw him again? 


Why do people have kids who don't really want them and who have no interest in taking care of them?


And the Christians say I'm the one who is unfit to be a parent.

 
Not quite the Cleavers
09.13.04 (9:15 am)   [edit]

My family is completely insane.  I live way too close to them, too, and see them way too often.  At least once a week.  As I drove to my parent's house for lunch on Sunday, I noticed there was a pair of running shoes just sitting on top of their mailbox.  I don't know why.  With my dad you never know.  Maybe somebody lost them and he left them where they could easily be found.  Maybe they're the shoes he cuts the grass in, and he thought that would be the most convenient place to keep them without a dog running off with them.  Maybe he's giving them to someone but doesn't really want them to come in the house where he'll be forced to talk to them. 

The next thing I saw was that my mom's car was pulled up in the yard right in front of the door, instead of being in the garage on the side of the house where it belongs.  I didn't even ask.

But then, my father was going around the house with a ruler measuring things like my grandmother's birthday card and a vase of flowers.  He came into the dining room several times to measure things.  And he was arguing with my grandmother about what size things were and where things would fit.  I couldn't hear the whole conversation.  I don't know what the hell they were talking about. 

However, I couldn't help but hear my mother's conversation with my grandmother.  She's a little hard of hearing, so when my mother talks to her, she screams so loud that the rest of us in the room cringe involuntarily with each sentence.  It's like there's a Pterodactyl (this may not be spelled correctly, but you know, it's that screaching flying dinosaur) in the room.

(By the way, my grandmother came up with a mysterious bruise on her back a few weeks ago and we strongly suspect that she got into a cat fight with the demented woman who keeps wandering into her room at the nursing home by mistake.  She would never admit to this, though, so we can't be sure.)


My sister, who is a nurse, was irritable from working the night shift at the hospital.  She decided to go home and take a nap, so I got roped into taking her kids home to her later. 

Before she left, and this just topped off the day, my dad followed her outside and made her give back her copy of my parent's house key.  He told me after she left that it was (because she hangs out with "the blacks" and also) because her boyfriend, whom she met on the internet a few months ago and whom she's moving to Minnesota to live with next month, is coming into town this week. He doesn't know the boyfriend very well and is naturally suspicious of everyone.  He doesn't want him to have potential access to their house key.  You know, because he has guns in the house, whatever that means.  Maybe he's afraid the boyfriend will steal one of his guns and commit armed robbery with it and they'll blame my father.  Fair enough.  I don't want anyone coming over my house when I'm not home, either.  My sister was really pissed off, though.  She has a temper and I'm just waiting for her to go off on the folks any day now.

Nothing like a day with the family to remind you where you come from.

Good times, noodle salad.

 
I never was the fantasy of what you wanted me to be
09.09.04 (4:30 am)   [edit]

She was the kind of woman whose flaws
Though significant
Were still outweighed by her potential
So close to being exactly what you wanted
That it made you want her to be more
She was good at most things she tried
But was never great at anything
She had a natural empathy
An ability to see things from another’s point of view
Which she used when it suited her
But never really felt understood herself
All this left her with a sense
That something was missing in her
She was complex
She knew people said she was strange
She didn’t lose any sleep
Over what people thought of her
But she didn’t understand
Why others had high expectations of her
Then were disappointed when she didn’t meet them
Because she didn’t try to
She didn’t care about being perfect
And who were they to expect that?
What she wanted from others
Is what she gave to them
Not approval
But acceptance
Flaws and all


 

 
The crackhead
09.03.04 (5:39 am)   [edit]

I try to keep an open mind
And be tolerant of others
I believe in fairness and justice
But when I'm through
I'm through
And I am so over you
And your bullshit
This is it
No more chances
No more playing nice
You have a lot of nerve
So much so that I'm sure you'll call
Acting like nothing happened
Let me tell you now
Don't bother
I won't be taking your calls
If you continue to try
I'll change my number
If you come by my house
I'll call the police
I'll press charges for stalking
Which is a felony now, you know
Don't think you'll see the kids again
Not without a court order forcing me
And I dare you to take me to court
I dare you
They'll be looking for you soon anyway
For that little matter of nonpayment of child support
And how many times do you think the kids
Will forgive you
When you say "I'm on my way"
And leave them waiting at the door with bags packed
And never show up
Or even call for months?
I don't want the kids to be
Poisoned by you
You're a bad influence
Just a pathetic loser
Not to mention a criminal
With your grandiose "fuck everyone" attitude
How can you be so arrogant and condescending
Of everyone else
When you're just a crackhead?
Who can't keep a job for two months
Who doesn't have a car
Or an apartment
Or a friend
Or a life
Who actually smokes crack
Who lives with his parents
And steals from them
And forges their checks
And ruins them financially
And drives their cars
And then has the nerve to complain about them
Like it's their obligation to take care of you
A grown man
Like they're supposed to put up with your abuse
I don't think there's any hope for you
You'll never be normal again
You are completely worthless
I'm tired of your presence in my life
So I'm cutting you out of it
Goodbye
Good riddance
I hope you smoke a big rock the size of your head and your heart explodes
I wouldn't even cry at your funeral
I don't even hate you
I don't feel anything for you
You're just an annoyance
Maybe someone will stomp you
Like the insect that you are
And I can finally breathe a sigh of relief

 
To my father
09.01.04 (10:38 am)   [edit]

I know you think I'm cold
Self absorbed
Distant
Hard to know
Unsympathetic
With weird friends
And weird ideas
I don't value what you value
I don't believe in what I was told
About God and religion and morality
And men and women and life
I know what you say about me
She just does whatever she wants
She doesn't think about how anyone else feels
She doesn't care if she embarrasses me
She has no shame
I don't call enough
I don't care enough
I don't visit the nursing home
I don't go to church
I'm stubborn
I'm not concerned about what other people
Think I should do
I don't need anyone
I take care of myself
Where did I learn to be so hard?
I learned from the best.


I learned from you.